Being a Paradox

Ever since college I have been entranced by one of the Gnostic gospels called "The Thunder, Perfect Mind." It is spoken as if by Sophia, the goddess of wisdom, and contains a veritable catalogue of paradoxes. For example:

For I am the first and the last.
I am the honored one and the scorned one.
I am the whore and the holy one.
I am the wife and the virgin.
I am and the daughter.
I am the members of my mother.
I am the barren one
and many are her sons.

This text was part of the inspiration for The One That Is Both. The speaker/writer of this gospel indeed knows that she is “one that is both.” I have known intellectually that this is the gold standard for being one that is both, but knowing it intellectually and living it are very different. I realized today that I am living it, too. And it ain’t easy.

The line above, “I am the honored one and the scorned one,” hit home as I realized that I am both loved and despised, both “an amazing woman” and “a liability.” It’s so much easier to be one or the other, but to be both leaves you feeling like you just don’t know which end is up—until you realize that you are both. I’d love to just be “an amazing woman” and leave it at that. Life would be so much easier. Nature doesn't just abhor vacuums, it abhors a immobile polarity. Eventually I would fall off my Amazing pedestal (which I did).

Of course my shadow side would keep my amazing side humble by reminding me that I’m not good enough, but I know how to handle my shadow. This isn't my shadow talking, it's how I'm being judged.

What gets me the most is the emotional rollercoaster from feeling elated when I’m told I'm “amazing” to feeling despondent when I’m told I'm “a liability.” How do you keep the emotions out of it? You don't. You feel all of them.

The writer of Thunder seems to have come to a place of equanimity, a place where it doesn’t matter if she’s called holy or whore, because she knows she’s both. It’s easy to know intellectually but it’s not so easy to own it. I really wanted to stay away from the feelings that hurt when I admit to myself that I am indeed the scorned one, the whore, the barren one—whatever your disowned side is.

I came to see that once I got through the emotional hang-up (and you must get through it and experience that see-saw) the words don’t mean much. Yeah, I’m amazing and I’m a liability. So what? Let’s move on.

I feel for the poor guy who is struggling with this same dilemma (is she amazing or a liability?). How do you proceed with a relationship if you’re struggling to reconcile the both/and, trying to determine which judgment to favor. No need to favor either. When I/you can accept both, it’s like the whole dilemma goes away, and I’m neither…